new chapter

As the year 2007 chapter of my life comes to a close, it has been good to reflect on this past year. Emotionally and spiritually, I've grown a lot. God has been so good to me. God has used my experiences this year to shape me into who I am now. My hope is that as I look back on each year of my life, that I would not be the same person as I was the year before. That I would be more loving, patient, kind, and merciful and less envious, boastful, and judgemental.

The two major challenges for me this year was school and some health stuff. A little rocky road at times this year. I am so blessed to have my girlfriends. They have been such an encouragement to me. Mel-her giving heart, Jodee-her bluntness that is simply hilarious, Tia-her humour, Miriam-her sweetness, Annie-her gregarious personality, Emily-her gentle encouraging words, Lisa-her continued reassurance. I have been prayed for many times over and I have been needing it this year.

As I reflect back on my life since my family's move from Laos, God has brought me a long way. Wow. Even thinking right now, I am awed and I'm thankful. The places that I've been, the situations I've encountered, and the people that I have met. God had used all of that to shape me.

What does the year 2008 have for me? Hmmmm.... I'm thinking some exciting and crazy stuff. I'm looking forward to opening a new chapter in my life. Waiting to see what God has for me this year.I was rereading John Piper "Don't waste your life" today, and I was encouraged. I want my life to be about God, not about me. What does that look like? Only God knows:-)

Wishing all of you who are dear to my heart a wonderul new year-full of joy that comes only from Jesus.

boxer shorts

Life is so funny sometimes. I'm just going to share some stories from the last few weeks....

I did a face plant on my drive way the other day. I had forgotten that there was a sheet of ice under the 6 inches of snow. Oops! I wanted to make two tracts for my tires so that I could get my car out of the driveway. At the bottom of the driveway, I lost my balance and fell face first into the snow. Spread eagle! I stayed down for a second because I saw a car coming by. Pride. What a horrible thing! My front was covered with snow when I got up.

You don't realize how sticky maple syrup is until you get it on yourself. I must have dripped some on my shirt because a chunk of my hair got stuck in it. I had fun washing my hair:-)

I was working with a young boy last week. He was going through a major surgery and was a little nervous. He wore his hospital pajamas rather low, so i noticed the top of his boxers. I almost bursted out laughing. It was red with white poka dots. The surgical hat I had on was the exact same pattern! It was meant to be that I was supposed to take care of him. I had hoped that when he woke up from anesthesia he wouldn't think I had his boxers on my head! I don't think he remembered much when he woke up:-) I gave him some happy medication to keep him comfortable after surgery.

Life is so funny! God is so funny!

future

God sent His Son to be born as a baby on this earth. More importantly, He sent His son to ultimately die on the cross as a final sacrifice for all the sins of the world. What an amazing love!

Today, again God reminds me that life is so much more than what I make it out to be. What an adventure it is to follow my Lord. I have a little over a year left of school. I'm looking forward to the day when I am done. To use my skills as an anesthetist to make a difference in the world. I have no idea where God is going to take me, but I'm truly eager to see what He has in store for me. To make a difference for Jesus-in my career, in my relationships with others, in my travels, and in my future family's life.

I was helping with music today at church with a couple of other women. In between services, the women were talking about their children. In listening to them, I was actually getting excited today in thinking about pouring my life into my children that I may have someday. To impact their lives so that they would also make a difference for Jesus.

Whatever God has for me, I know my life is going to be about following my Lord and Savior. I know there will be good times and tough times, but what an amazing adventure it will continue to be.

Deceiving ourselves

All of us can put up a good front when we are around others. We can fake about who we are, what we believe, and what we are feeling. Only WE can really know ourselves...or do we? You probably can think back to a time when you liked something or not liked something or pretended to feel a certain way but you didn't really feel that way. At the time you're truly convinced that that was who you were. As we grow older, our self awareness becomes more sensitive and we're less likely to jump off the cliff with the rest of the gang. Most of us have gotten past all of that-at least in our interactions with people. Some still live like a chameleon. Changing with different environments. Not really knowing what they like, what they believe, or who they are. We ignore the reality of who we are inside.

I wonder if it still this way in our interaction with God? Do I still ignore the reality of who I am in my relationship to my God? I think it's rather funny that I think that I can hide me-who I am-from God. But I sure try. I find myself believing all kinds of stuff the rest of world tells me about me and not what God tells me. I also find myself thinking that I am "ok" spiritually. Denying the fact that there are many areas of my life that need work. If I'm not in denial, I'm oblivious to the icky aspects of my life.

Not only do we pretend, but we are convinced that we are fine spiritually. In reality we are not. This causes us to become stagnant Christians-no growth, no desire for growth, no passion for things of God. We only live for ourselves. We are satisfied with too little in our lives.

God, my Belayer

Belaying-a nautical term, belaying refers to making a line fast to a cleat, pin or other fixed object. In climbing, belaying is the technique of controlling the rope so that a falling climber does not fall very far. The belayer is standing the ground feeding the rope to the climber. Should the climber fall, the belayer is able to catch the fall.

I went climbing with my friend Em Bystry today. There was a father and his 5 year old son there. As the son climbed up the wall, he kept saying "dad, i can't do it" or "dad I can't reach that". The father kept repeating " I got you, you are fine. You won't fall", or "Put your foot on the rock near your knee". When the son was struggling, the father told the son to let go. The son replied "Dad, I can't. I'm going to fall". The father replied "Son, let go. I can't catch you and lower you down if you don't let go"

So many times, we feel like we can't go through one more struggle. One more death of loved ones, one more diagnosis of sickness, one more failure. God, our Father in Heaven, keeps repeating "I got you", "you're doing fine", "I'm in control". When we struggle, we struggle by ourselves. We don't realize we need to let go of our fear and let God lower us onto more stable and secure ground. We all struggle with something. We all make mistakes. Are we willing to let God have the control? Are we willing to let God belay us as we go through this life?

It's the question I ask myself everyday ever since my diagnosis. How dare I even ask IF God will belay me? It's whether I will let Him is the bigger question.

It's amazing to me how a few weeks can change one's life forever. How will this impact the direction my life is going? The family I may or may not have? My dreams? It will take a great man to want to be with me-with all the junk in my life. He would have to be very strong in the Lord. The other thought is...why would anyone want to join his life with mine, when life is already tough to begin with? Choosing the road more traveled is easier for most people. Choosing the road less traveled takes a little more courage and trust.

Will I allow God, the Author and Perfecter of my faith, to be the wind in my sails, my compass, and my belayer?

This is the question that you, the reader, need to ask yourselves. I know that only a small handful of you, who are dear to my heart, read my blog :-) That's why I share so much of my heart. Having a blog has helped me process through quite a few things the last few weeks. Even if my good friends don't read my page, I still would continue to write:-) Call it therapy.

Hope this challenges and encourages you in your walk with Jesus.

Friends

I appreciate my friends so much. I have known Emily, Annie, and Lisa for quite awhile. We meet twice a month for accountability and prayer. They are amazing women. Each has their own unique story of how God had worked in their lives and how He continues to change and mold them into His likeness. Each of us have areas we struggle with and we rely on one another for support. They have been my encouragers and my prayer warriors. I am so blessed by not just the four friends I just mentioned, but so many others in my life right now.

Living for Jesus is not easy. Living in this world is not easy. To live this life full of integrity. Full of love. Full of compassion. To make a impact for Jesus before we leave this world. We need one another for accountability and encouragement. A community of believers to help advance God's kingdom. LOVE that thought.

immortality

How does one deal with one's mortality? Usually people my age really don't have to face it much. We're young and healthy. Enjoying life. This past month has been a reality check for me. I'm not afraid of death for I know I will be in Heaven with my Lord and Savior. What I'm mourning is the fact that life is going to take a different spin for me. That I won't always be healthy. Coping with the disappointment that life is not going to turn out the way I had hoped. I'm selfish because I want life to be easy. And it never is.... Today really hit me like a ton of bricks....

Life seems like such a long road until you come to face with the reality that you won't live forever. Then you begin to think about what's really important....

Another Starfield song I like...

I built a fortress with a hundred thousand faces
I'll keep it safe with a hundred thousand more
But these masks are wearing thin as You draw me in
I spent my time on the empty and the fleeting
I spent my life on much less than I'd dreamed
But I'm reaching out to you to make me new

'Cause I am just a beggar here at Your door
I am just a shipwreck here on Your shore
I come empty handed ready to see
Your life in me changing who I've been
To who I need to be

You tell me my story as You sift between the pages
I feel redemptionIn the space between each turn
Could You take me in Your arms and tell it just once more
Could You take me in Your arms and tell it just once more

I love that last part of the chorus...
Your life in me changing who I've been, to who I need to be

My struggles today does not change the fact that God is God. He loves me. He is still a good God. He is my strength, my comfort. I will still live for Him.

unashamed

One of my favorite songs by Starfield because my heart cries out these words to my Lord.

I have not much To offer You
Not near what You deserve
But still I come because Your cross has placed in me my worth
Oh, Christ my King Of sympathy, whose wounds secure my peace
Your grace extends to call me friend
Your mercy sets me free

And I know I'm weak
I know I'm unworthy
To call upon Your name
But because of grace
Because of Your mercy
I stand here unashamed

I can't explain this kind of love
I'm humbled and amazed
That You'd come down from heavens heights
And greet me face to face
Here I am at Your feet In my brokeness complete.

children

I started my pediatrics rotation this week. My heart was breaking thinking through all the things their little body had to endure as I read over their previous medical history today. Today God reminded me that life for some will be harder than for others. Life is rather unfair, isn't it? We live in a corrupt world-caused by humans ourselves because of sin. Heaven. I wonder what it will be like? Many have tried to describe it, but i have a feeling we don't have a clue how glorious it will be. Some of us have the hope of eternal life with Jesus in Heaven. Some don't-whether that is due to unbelief or rejection of that Truth.

For some of the children I work with, I know they may not live long based on their medical history. My heart is saddened knowing that the haven't begun to live this life, yet at the same time......to leave this corrupt, unfair world, full of pain.....to be in the presences of Jesus. What a comforting thing....

obedience

In Sunday school today, we looked at Matthew 21:33-45-parable of the tenants. It amazes me how greedy and selfish we can be. We take advantage of God's grace. We forget that God is the owner and provider of what we have. We reject Christ and all that He stands for and think we still deserve "things". Christ demands obedience in following Him, yet we resist. We still do our own thing. Hmmm. Obedience. Very hard thing to do.

I heard of a book called "Angels of the Lower Flight" today. It's written by a woman with quite a scandalous past. Susie Scott Krabacher came to Christ later in life and has been running an orphange in Haiti. All profits from the book goes to a fund for the children in Haiti. Sounds like an interesting book to read.

Sacrifices we make for God.... are we making them?

Ruth Bell Graham

Ruth Bell Graham, wife of the amazing evangelist Billy Graham. She died in June ,and there was a TV special on her. I was curious about the type of person she was, so I watched. I think I would have loved to have gotten to know her. Her parents were medical missionaries in China, so she grew up there. Because of her background, she herself was wanting to be a missionary. She ended up marrying an evangelist instead. She loved adventure-rode a motorcyle, hang glide, etc. Her passion for Christ was also very evident. She left a legacy for her children and grandchildren. Her family and friends repeatedly commented on how strong she was in the Lord. I appreciate Billy Graham's comments about his wife-just what a huge impact she has on the ministry as she loved him, prayed for him, counseled him. I went to billygraham.org to see if i could read more about her. The more I read about her, the more I like her.

If I could pick a woman to look up to, she would be one of them....

Remembering the past

Having my parents here over Thanksgiving was great. We always reminisce over our past. My parents help remind me of where we've come from and God's protection over the years.

Not many of you know that me sister and I almost died when we were little. I remember coming home from school feeling so bad. I had the biggest headache in the world. The last thing I remembered was falling asleep on my bed. I woke up in the "hospital room". If you could see what the hospital was like in that refugee camp, you would cry. My parents thought my sister and I had dysentery from some contaminated food. I had a high fever, GI stuff (I won't go into detail :-)) Curious about what it was that I ate? This may not surprise you... ICE CREAM. My sister and I were severely dehydrated with high fevers. There were not adequate supplies at the hospital. One normal saline bag left-two children. My sister and I shared that saline bag. My parents had to borrow money from friends to buy medication. They later found one more liter of saline to give us. They had some difficulty getting an IV in me, so they put it in my foot. Mortality rate in that refugee camp for this sort of thing was high, but my sister and I survived. I remember that when we were allowed to go home, my daddy had to carry me home. My little foot was so swollen from the IV that I was unable to walk home. And no-there were no other means of transportation. We walked everywhere. One of many demonstrations of God's protection.

I'm thinking that someday I would like to write the story of my family and all the things we went through. I'd publish and print only 4 copies :-) One for my parents. One for my sister. One for me. One for my children that I may have someday. Passing on the legacy of their grandparents.

one of the few times that I watch TV

I find that I do have a hard time expressing myself in my writing. I can't seem to get the right tone, the right accent, or my emotions to through the words. I'm trying to be more attentive to the words that I write so that they would reflect my thoughts and feelings. Now, if there is a way to put a laotian/hoosier accent to my writing :-)

I turned on the TV today. Every channel you turn to, there's a message of materialism, living for yourself, power and money. It makes me sad to think that that is how people generally think-including me. Go to a shopping mall in the next few weeks and you'll see people spending money, money they may or may not have to spend.

I hope and pray that God will continue to change my heart. That I would be less selfish. That I would be generous with what I have and give to those who have much less. That Christ would continue to be my drive, not the rest of the world.

life is hard

Today for me really reinforced the truth that everyone knows. The truth that we can't go through life alone-non-Christians and Christians alike. We are made to need one another....

We all have met or will meet people that will hurt us. Intentionally and unintentionally. When people hurt us, we know we need to forgive, but we don't always obey what Jesus asks us to do. Unforgiveness-pretty ugly when you allow it to dwell in yourself. Unforgiveness leads to bitterness. What a life to live... in bitterness. Life wasted. The thing about forgiveness is that we can't do it alone. We can try and try, but we can't. It's only through God's power that we can get past the bitterness and forgive. For those of us who have hurt those that we love, sometimes it's hard to forgive ourselves. We beat ourselves up repeatedly. We wallow in the hole we dig for ourselves. Though deserving at times, we often dwell in the hole too long and too often. Christ forgave us, but we can't seem to forgive ourselves. Christ calls us to live a live of truth that filled with joy in Him who sacrificed Himself for us.

There is difference between happiness and joy. Happiness is temporary, situational, usually involves getting something we want. Joy is deep rooted in Christ in that even in hard times, there is a sense that everything is going to be fine. Happiness goes away when we face hard times, but joy remains. When everything falls apart around you, it comes down to you and God. If you don't have Christ in your life, it's just you. Everything appears bleak. Joy is stemmed from having Christ in your life and this brings about hope. When everything falls apart around you, there is hope in Christ. Hope. Do you have hope? Because life is not happy all the time. It involves pain and sorrow.

We are not made to cope with the hardships of life alone. Even Jesus himself needed fellowship with others. When the realities of life hit us, we need people in our lives to support and encourage us, to keep us accountible for our actions, and make us laugh. If I had to keep my struggles of life inside and not share with my good friends, I think I would literally explode. We are not made to go through this life alone. Christ did not call us to a life of seclusion. We need one another.

facing mortality

There will various times in our lives that we face our own mortality-whether it be death of loved ones, close call accidents, or health problems. The reality that life is very short will hit us like a ton of bricks. The questions we have to ask ourselves are.... are we ready to find out where we go after this life? If we believe in Christ, have we truly lived the life we have been called to live? For those who don't believe, my heart is saddened...