reflecting

I enjoy having my life back. It's been so lovely to go home after working at the hospital to just relax. To have time for exercise. To have time to read. To have time to reflect on things on my mind. I don't regret going back to school for my Master's degree one moment, but I'm glad it's done. To have no more projects, presentations, exams has been so refreshing.

I talked to my friend Annie last night until midnight. I had coffee earlier that day, so I was unable to sleep. She and I realize that we are not young anymore:-) We have wrinkles around our eyes. A few greys in our hair. So we discussed life. How much did we discuss in the 2 hours? Much, but obviously there is much more.

The older we get, the more we know ourselves (or should know ourselves). Our past impacts our present and our present will impact our future. How they impact us is a question we have to answer for ourselves. Our bad experiences in life can make us stronger or they can criple us emotionally. Of course there are variations in between the two. The past affect the decisions we make today.

So I began to think about my past. I know I have said that I will put a book together about my past, but I only have a few pages written. There will be a book about my family and our journey to the U.S. :-)

Someone had challenged me about my view/attitude about relationships the other day. So I began to reflect back on my relationship with my friends, the guys I dated, and my family.

I found that I have no problems being vulnerable to my friends. I bare my heart on my sleeve. When it comes to my interaction with guys, I have a thick fence. How did this come about, you ask? The fact that I have been hurt before has caused me to be a lot more cautious. I find that I would try to find out as much as I can before I step inside the "dating line". I think I do this for self preservation/protection. In my head it makes so much sense to do this, because then I would not get hurt, right? Check out the water before I step in? I wonder if it is preventing me from actually enjoying getting to know the guy. I'm still thinking about this. I realize that this is also a trust issue. In order to get to know someone, you have to become vulnerable and have to put a little trust in them. I'm realizing that I have a hard time being vulnerable to a guy. Maybe if there are actually good guys out there, it would be easier to be vulnerable? :-)

But am I still harboring the hurt of past relationships? This was another question I had been thinking about. As I talk to my close friends and thought through it myself, my answer would be "No". I get over guys pretty quickly. So quickly that sometimes my friends wonder if it was healthy:-) My thoughts are....why would I waste my time moping over some guy who is "not all that". I don't think the fence that I have around me is due to the harboring of hurt feelings, but to the protection of my heart. I also realized this week that I have never given my heart away. I have had some huge crushes, but I have managed to keep my heart to myself. I'm sure there were attempts of giving my heart away and the occasional bruising has caused me to take my heart back.

I also realized that I don't give guys a second chance (not that any of them has come back asking:-), but when I make a decision to be done with a guy in my head, I'm done. No looking back. I don't revisit past relationships. I move on. Now in a marriage setting, commitment is involved so it's a different situation. Hmmm... still thinking this through.

My past impacts my decisions for my present, which then will impact my future decisions. Thinking about my past helps me become a stronger person because it allows me to learn about myself, about others, and how I can become the woman that God has called me to be.

I'm still processing through my thoughts on relationships and I'll write more as I come up with some conclusions.